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Trouble in Turn 4 writes:
"What If Nascar Changed The Chase Format To A UFC Cagematch?"
Posted by Hyperacti on November 28, 2009
Viewed 353 times


I can see it all now. In just a couple more years, NASCAR, faced with a desperate desire to increase their autumn television ratings, will make a change to the championship format. A big change. Following Jimmie Johnson's 6th or even 7th straight championship, as well as a dwindling number of fans, the NASCAR sanctioning body will ask itself: What can we do to make "The Chase" as exciting as possible? The answer, they will find, lies within one of HBO's most commonly advertised pay-per-view programs; the UFC. After all, what could be more exciting than watching the twelve chasers go at each other physically after a long, 26-race schedule? Nothing.

As I see it, change from 10-race chase to UFC Cagematch could happen one of two ways. Either all at once, with NASCAR completely (and intelligently) scrapping the old chase system in favor of such a cagematch; or by accident, with the vast variety and numerous amounts of unorthodox and ridiculous changes NASCAR makes annually to the points system leading to a format that essentially resembles the UFC itself.

Since this change has such a high chance of occurring, I'm sure everyone here is wondering; who is going to win most of the championships once the chase format gets changed into a UFC Cagematch? Since it's so worthwhile, lets take a look at the physical stats of the twelve 2009 chase drivers, in order to find who the likely winner will be:

Firstly, you would have Jimmie Johnson. At 5'11", 175 pounds, and about 34 years of age, Superman would surely make a very competitive UFC Fighter. With the conditioning provided by coach Chad Knaus on his side, surely there is no way he could lose, right?

Secondly, ALWAYS secondly, there would be the ageless fifty-year old that is Mark Martin. At just 5'6" and 135 pounds, I think we can safely conclude that despite the number of changes to the chase format, Martin will still never be able to win a championship in the UF-...I mean... NASCAR.

Nextly, there would be Jeff Gordon. Always a formidable opponent right? Let's take a look. At 5'7" and 150 lbs, it appears that the drive for five is indeed all but finished. But you can never count him out as long as Megatron is on his side.

Fourthly, you have the feisty Kurt Busch. A driver so skilled, he likes to show off how well he can drive backwards. But will his stats make him fit to challenge Johnson in the new chase format? 5'11"... 150 pounds and about 31 years of age make him somewhat comparable to the driver of the 48, although a small skew is present in the weight column. Seems like this snow-angel might just have what it takes.

Fifthly there's Denny Hamlin. His personality certainly seems to fit the profile of a UFC fighter... but what about his physique? At a solid 6' height and a weight of 165 lbs, it seems he will be right up there fighting with Jimmie Johnson and Kurt Busch for the next NASCAR championship.

6thly would be Tony Stewart. Uh oh. Sounds like trouble. With the physical force of a wrecking ball and a fuse shorter than Mark Martin, early indications are that Smoke will be blasting away his foes like it's nobody's business. But this isn't a sumo contest either, so having BK on board isn't going to be much of assistance. Just in case it's important, his stats are: 5'9", 170 lbs.

Seventhly in line is Greg Biffle. This must be a mistake. The website I'm getting these stats from has The-Biff listed as 5'10 and 175 pounds, both of greater magnitude than the aforementioned Stewart. Maybe Biff is more buff than I thought. But if anyone honestly thinks that a guy born in the 60's will have a better chance at the title than Stewart, please, state your reasoning in the comments.

Eighthly comes Juan Pablo Montoya. Since he's the only foreign driver that would be in The Cagematch if the new rules were implemented in 2009, you have to assume that he'd outmatch some of his competition, right? Foreign fighters bring the horns. But at 5'6, and 161 lbs, I'm not sure he'd stand much of a chance against either of the two drivers listed prior. I suppose the number in the weight column being smaller than I thought might have something to do with Taco Bell closing most of its stores... (lol, whatcha gonna do racingreference, fire me?) A tribute to Bob Griese fo' sho :)

Pulling ninth is Ryan Newman. The Rocketman has sat on 45 poles in the last 9 years. We may have found our winner with this one. With a jolly 207-pound girth and a height of 5'11, he may be able to beat his boss. But sitting on so many poles can only make a man so tough. Could he have what it takes? Lately, the contenders listed seem to belittle Johnson pretty good. The streak might end!

Tenth place Kasey Kahne doesn't have much to boast. 5'8" and 150 lbs... he's straight up smaller and weaker than the competition. But does it matter? What he lacks in size, he makes up for in girls. Straight up. He's in good shape if NASCARs' rule-changes fall the other way and the chase becomes a beauty-pageant instead of a cagematch.

Eleventhly is Carl Edwards. I've been anticipating this one myself. Ever since his bulging abs made their way onto the cover of ESPN magazine, Carl has been considered one of the most hard-core guys in the garage. It only took one fake punch for Matt Kenseth to realize not to mess, that?s how intimidating he is. Carl Edwards boasts a height of 6'1" and 185 pounds. Since his abs alone weigh about 100 pounds, he can use the rest of his body to basically ninja his way around the cage, flipping around more often than 2008. Clearly he?s too jacked to get whacked.

The last driver to get locked in the cage would be Brian Vickers. He would also be the youngest one in there. But Vick can't fight himself - he's accustomed to just watching others do so for entertainment. And not just humans. I might be thinking of the wrong guy. I think the best strategy for him would be to smuggle Red Bull into the cage and hope that it does what spinach did for Popeye. 5'11" - 160 lbs.

In conclusion, it seems that when the chase system eventually gets turned into one giant UFC Cagematch, NASCARs? ratings during the fall might just rise after all since the average fan like me can?t determine the winner. And thus, NASCAR would have accomplished its goal with the chase; to keep fans from knowing whom the winner would be until the final event of the season. This is surely the only way NASCAR will be able to keep the champion a mystery until the last lap. Oh wait..

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